Breaking up with someone you’ve been in love with can be very hard to deal with. One of the most recommended process to go through after a painful breakup is the no contact rule. Despite its acclaimed effectiveness, one frequent question has been how long to do the no contact rule after a breakup.
For instance, you might not want to be forgotten by your ex while you’re implementing the rule. So, what timeframe is best for implementing the no contact rule?
What the No Contact Rule Really Means
If you’ve gone through our previous posts about the true meaning of the no contact rule as well as the importance and effectiveness of the no contact rule, you should by now have a fair understanding of what it’s all about.
As acknowledged before, the no contact rule is something you do after a breakup. Its goal is to help you redevelop yourself emotionally and physically thereby enhancing what you bring into a relationship.
Thus, it puts you in a better position with regards to the breakup. You essentially become capable of either moving on with your life after the breakup or getting back together with your ex.
It’s essentially a process of making a clean break by cutting off all conceivable forms of communication with your ex.
Implementing the no contact rule after a breakup with your ex implies ensuring that you DON’T DO any of the following:
- Talking to them
- Phoning them
- Sending them text messages
- Stalking them on social media
- Checking up on them through mutual friends
- “Accidentally bumping” into them
- Meeting up to “catch up”
- Replying to their emails, calls, or text messages.
The Detoxifying Effect of The No Contact Rule
A good allegory to describe a breakup in this instance would be likening your ex to a drug like heroin. And you’re a junkie hooked on them in the guise of love.
Wanting your ex back is like being a junkie that’ll do almost anything to get a fix despite its harmfulness.
The normal thing for an addict to do to recover is to go to rehab for at least 30 days. This is to allow him or her to detoxify his or herself from the addictive drug.
As has been amply illustrated, using the no contact rule is in many ways similar to going to rehab. You’re cutting off from your ex in order to properly detoxify yourself from your them.
Essentially, you’re eliminating anything that you do which is related to them from your life. By breaking the “addiction” to your ex, you’ll learn to live without him or her.
The truth is that you’re doing a lot more than not contacting your ex during the no contact rule period. In fact, the main purpose of the no contact rule is to help you heal and rebuild yourself.
The Two Sides to Using the No Contact Rule
When using the no contact rule, you’re essentially embarking on two different but complementary tasks which are both about you.
On the one hand, you’re making every effort to break free from the addiction to your ex. You achieve this by cutting off every conceivable channel of communication you have with them.
At the same time, you’re creating new habits by engaging in positive activities and undertaking self-improvement efforts. These are all geared towards boosting your self-confidence and overall personality.
These are the two sides of the coin when using the no contact rule after a breakup. Thus, healing and attraction are the two sides of the no contact coin.
Breaking a bad habit such an addiction to an ex-lover and creating a new habit such as loving yourself more are very closely linked. In fact, they’re two sides of the same coin.
Psychologist Timothy Pychyl explains it this way:
Breaking a habit really means establishing a new habit, a new pre-potent response. The old habit or pattern of responding is still there (a pattern of neuron responses in the brain), but it is less dominant (less potent).
It’s important to always remember that the no contact rule is never about your ex. Everything about the no contact rule is all about YOU!
Prejudices When Using the No Contact Rule
The importance of this point cannot be overemphasized. It’s probably the reason why so many people are confused about the true purpose of the no contact rule.
Most people need to understand the importance of not entering into the no contact rule with a prejudiced mindset of getting their ex back.
When they do this, they’ll simply be pre-occupied with thoughts of their ex which shouldn’t be the case. Such a prejudiced mindset is not only counterproductive but totally goes against the true purpose of the no contact rule.
Doing that would be comparable to trying to get off a drug addiction but always thinking about what it would be like having some of the drug around. How do you expect to recover and be free when you’re putting such unnecessary pressure on yourself?
When you continue to obsess over your ex, you’re putting them in a position where they’re responsible for your happiness. And this runs totally contrary to the purpose of the no contact rule.
Dr. Timothy’s explanation clearly shows that you’re not expected to totally forget about your ex. Just like an addiction, they’ve become ingrained in the circuitry of your brain.
Your ex will no doubt remain in your memory. However, their presence is meant to be relegated to the background. They’ll remain in your subconsciousness through the proper implementation of the no contact rule.
Thus, the memories are expected to remain with you. But with the time and space provided by the no contact rule, they are expected to become less dominant (less potent).
The No Contact Rule is Not a Manipulative Game
Just thinking of using the no contact rule to win your ex back is different from actually attempting to use the tool as a form of manipulation.
With one, you’re simply prejudiced about how to use the rule. But with the other, you’re intentionally using it as a trick or gimmick to get your ex back.
With that being said, neither is an ideal way to approach using the no contact rule. This is important especially if you’re seriously looking towards having an enduring loving relationship.
Seriously speaking, it’s wrong to have pre-conceived intentions of simply using the no contact rule to make your ex to miss you.
Manipulating your ex into loving you is a completely different issue and simply going overboard. It’s a no-go area. And you know you’re better than that.
Doing so simply means that you’re attempting to manipulate the situation just to get what you want.
How can you truly detach yourself from the relationship and make unbiased decisions about its true state this way? Let’s call a spade a spade for once here.
Going in this direction simply implies that you’ll need to be consistently manipulating your relationship environment to achieve your desired behavior. This is definitely not the way to build true long-term loving relationships.
Instead, what you’ll get from such manipulations are “on” and “off” relationships at the least.
Have you thought of the unnecessary heartaches and stress you’d be putting yourself through all over again? You almost bound to go through such heartaches again since relationships formed this way generally fail again?
Also, have a rethink about the waste of your precious time. Time that you could have spent in truly developing yourself and attracting the true love you seek.
The True Purpose of the No Contact Rule
If we’re to sincerely define the true purpose of the no contact rule, what would it be life? It should sound more like a coin where both sides are entirely focused on you.
It should never be about your ex! But more about you becoming a whole and healthy individual fit for a true long-term loving relationship.
One side of the coin deals with your self-recovery while the other has to do with you creating irresistible attraction.
And building this new irresistible attraction should not be focused on how your ex will perceive you. It might just be for that person whom your heart has so much longed for!
You build this attraction through a holistic approach that involves getting yourself healthy emotionally, mentally, and physically.
The fact that your ex might start missing you is nothing more than a by-product of the effectiveness of the no contact rule.
Even though they may start missing you and pleading with you to take them back, properly implementing the no contact rule might suggest against getting back together with your ex.
If the relationship in question is really that important to you, then it’s expedient of you to take as much time as is needed to properly implement the no contact rule.
This is because if you truly love your ex then you would want what is best for them. And this is despite the fact that your heart might be longing for them. True love is always unselfish!
Determining How Long to Do the No Contact Rule?
This is a very important question when attempting to use the no contact rule after a breakup with your ex. The length of time you decide to run the no contact rule for has a direct effect on your success.
Yet, the truth remains that there’s no specific time frame that can be set for how long to do the no contact rule. This is largely because every individual is different and each breakup situation is equally different.
So, how do you go about choosing the right time frame to use when going no contact with your ex?
Realistically, you need to spend as long as it takes for you to become emotionally detached from your failed relationship. Yes, you read it right – emotionally detached – and for good reason.
It’s only after effectively detaching yourself that you’ll be able to either move on with your life or successfully get your ex back.
Besides others, there are actually three very important factors you might want to take into consideration when determining the appropriate amount of time to implement the no contact rule for. These are:
1. How Long the Relationship Lasted
Generally, the longer the relationship lasted, the more the amount of time to implement the no contact rule for. There are people who’ve spent several months to years just to get over their long-term relationships.
If the relationship was for a shorter period of time, the amount of time to use should be reasonably shorter. However, there’s a general rule of thumb as well as certain exceptions.
For instance, there are people who because of investing so much of themselves in a short-term relationship might require quite some amount of time to get over the relationship.
2. How the Relationship Ended
The way in which the relationship ended also has a serious part to play in determining how long to do the no contact rule for.
Did the relationship end terribly such that you were both throwing things at each other? Was it rife with abusive statements and calling of names? Were you extremely hurt or disillusioned while in the relationship? Or, did the relationship end because of infidelity?
When a relationship ends in any sort of acrimonious situation, there’s a need to spend more time in observing the no contact rule.
3. Temperament and Overall Personality of Your Ex
No two exes have exactly the same temperament. Yet, it’s natural that during the no contact rule they’ll start to miss you no matter what.
What they do with that feeling essentially boils down their personality. And this is a very important factor when determining how long to do the no contact rule for after a breakup.
It’s a fact that some individuals are simply stubborn to a fault, especially men – no pun intended here.
For instance, a man might be so stubborn deep down that he refuses to show any outward sign of being affected by the breakup. Yet, he may be seriously bothered internally that he’s not been reached out to since the breakup.
Thus, if your ex has an extremely stubborn personality, chances are that it might take quite longer for the positive effect of the no contact rule to rob off on them.
So, though they may appear inflexible and unwilling to change their mind, it’s not impossible for the no contact rule to affect them. You might just need to wait it out and they’ll probably come around.
On the other hand, is your ex an emotional and impulsive person? In general, the no contact rule seems to seriously affect individuals who are impulsive or are very impatient.
Thus, such an ex might be prone to reaching out to you too soon into the no contact. If you’ve only been doing no contact for a month or two, then you might want to wait it out a bit.
You need to give such individuals sufficient amount of time to truly process and accept the realities of the breakup.
Be patient and let them get to a point where you believe they’ll be more capable of making rational decisions.
Other points to consider about how long to do the no contact rule for
Of course, there are other issues that you might also want to seriously look at when making this assessment. For example:
- Who initiated the breakup
- How resilient you are to rejection and disappointment as a person
- Possible previous “on” and “off” patterns with your ex
- Presence of another love-interest in the picture, and
- Other unforeseen circumstances.
Ideal Timeframes for Using the No Contact Rule
Obviously, the no contact rule is quite adaptable and as such there’s no preset time frame that’s guaranteed to work for everyone.
Nonetheless, there’s a serious need to take the above listed factors into consideration before deciding on how long to do the no contact rule for.
Also, the following are some relevant ideas you might want to consider when choosing a time frame for the no contact rule.
Similarity Between No Contact and Drug Withdrawal
Helen Fisher, a renowned neurologist and anthropologist, agrees that the no contact rule can be beneficial after a breakup. According to her, “a period of at least 90 days is proven to be effective to abstain from addictive substances.”[1]
Furthermore, Fisher says that “the way to accelerate mending a broken heart is similar to treating addiction – you put away their things, stop looking at their social media and have no contact with them.”
Thus, going on no contact with your ex is analogous to trying to break free from a drug addiction.
As a result, you’re going to experience similar withdrawal symptoms that drug addicts suffer from. Also, you’ll need to go through the grieving process that the loss of any close relationship calls for.
The grieving process is something that you cannot afford to skip or rough over. When you effortfully go through the no contact rule, you’ll eventually come up on top. You might perhaps come to realize that the breakup was the best thing for you.
Romantic Love – An Addictive Habit
The point I’m trying to establish here is that an addiction is a habit, but with a clause. Stopping an addictive habit unlike a regular habit can causes some physical changes to your body.
When you try stopping an addictive habit, it generally causes your body to go through certain noticeable physiological withdrawal symptoms. These symptoms include things like shaking, nausea, vomiting, and sweating.[2]
In the same vein, addiction psychiatrist David Sack, says in his Huffington Post that lovesickness or love addiction has some of the following signs:
Experiencing trembling, flushing, weakness, heart palpitations, or other physical symptoms in the presence of the love interest.
Restlessness and difficulty sleeping at night.
To buttress this point, Harvey Milkman and Stanley Sunderwirth has this to say:
We can become physically dependent on the experience of arousal, satiation or fantasy, independent of whether the capsule for transport is a substance or an activity.[3]
Thus, any activity – including love, sex, and romance – that evokes any of these three sensations – arousal, satiation, and fantasy – causes alteration to the brain chemistry.
This makes it easy to see how sex, love, and romance qualify as objects of addictive behavior.
Given the above considerations, a romantic relationship breakup causes withdrawal symptoms similar to those suffered by people withdrawing from addictive behaviors.
On the whole, addictive habits are harder to break and take longer than non-addictive habits. As a result, they generally involve more consistent and conscious effect to get over.
[adrotate group=”15″]Breaking Free From a Love Addiction
Since love is an addictive behavior on the same addictive habit level like drinking alcohol, smoking and gambling, it stands to reason that it takes just as long and difficult to get over a love addiction.
There is good reason why this is being brought up. It’s simply to help bring some sort of science to our understanding of how long it can take people to get over certain conditions.
In this case, we’re making particular reference to the dissolution a romantic love relationship. From the above explanations, it implies that we’re addicted to someone when we’re in love with them.
Thus, part of the purpose of the no contact rule is to help you break free from this addiction and heal from it. Of course, with your ex being the addictive substance in question.
So, your priority when using the no contact rule should be to get healthy emotionally, mentally, and physically.
It’s vitally important to achieve this before thinking about talking to your ex again or starting a new love relationship.
Genuine love is an expression of productiveness and implies care, respect, responsibility and knowledge. It is not an “affect” in the sense of being affected by somebody, but an active striving for the growth and happiness of the loved person, rooted in one’s own capacity to love. Erich Fromm Author, “The Art of Loving” (New York: Harper and Row, 1956).
This understanding of love as an addictive habit can greatly help in deciding on an appropriate time frame to use for the no contact rule.
This brings us to our next point of consideration. Just hold on a bit, we’re trying to establish some relevant points.
The 21 Days Habit Formation Myth
One of the most commonly recommended time frames for the no contact rule is the 21 Days No Contact period.
Most probably, what is fueling this common recommendation is a popular claim that a habit can be formed or broken in just 21 days.
Experts attribute the “21 days to break a habit” myth to Dr. Maxwell Maltz, a plastic surgeon turned psychologist.
In his 1960 bestselling self-help book, Psycho-Cybernetics, Dr. Maltz said:
It usually requires a minimum of about 21 days to effect any perceptible change in a mental image. Following plastic surgery, it takes about 21 days for the average patient to get used to his new face. When an arm or leg is amputated, the “phantom limb” persists for about 21 days. People must live in a new house for about three weeks before it begins to “seem like home.”
Furthermore, Dr. Maltz explained that:
These and many other commonly observed phenomena tend to show that it requires a minimum of about 21 days for an old mental image to dissolve and a new one to jell.
Without doubt, there are some merits to these suggestions. However, it’s equally obvious to see that none of the above descriptions are habits that people want to break.
Dr. Maltz’s suggestions are basically descriptions of habituation – the process of people becoming accustomed to something new.
Besides that, most people tend to forget that Dr. Maltz specifically said “a minimum of about 21 days.” He never said “it takes 21 days to form a new habit.”
However, the 21 Day No Contact Rule may be very tempting because of its short duration of application.
Nonetheless, most analysis and the general recommendation goes against using any time frame which is less than 30 days.
What Does Science Have to Say?
Psychologist, Phillippa Lally and her colleagues at the University College London, carried out a research to investigate the process of habit formation in everyday life.[4]
The 2009 study examined 96 volunteers who chose to put a new eating, drinking or activity behavior into practice.
At the end of the twelve weeks study, the researchers concluded that it took about 66 days on an average for a new behavior to become automatic.
However, it’s important to note that there were considerable variations across participants and behaviors.
One person took as little as 18 days to form a habit. Yet, another did not get there in the 84 days of the study. The forecast from the research team was that it would take about 254 days to do.
More recently, a 2012 study looking at habit formation suggested that earnestly working on a new behavior for about 10 weeks or 2.5 months was a more realistic estimate for most people.[5]
These suggested time frames for forming new healthy habits or breaking old bad habits help to avoid making unrealistic expectations. Such expectations can make you give up too early into the habit formation process.
It’s worth noting that some habits or behaviors are much easier to form or break than others. For example, it’s much easier drinking a glass of water after each meal than it is to form a habit of doing 50 sit-ups every evening.
Equally, it’s important to realize that people differ in how quickly they can form or break habits. There’s also a difference about how strong the new habits become.
Consequently, breaking addictive habits – including romantic love – is much harder than breaking non-addictive habits.
Thus, it’s obvious that breaking the addiction to your ex may take a bit longer than you might estimate.
Seriously, How Long to Do the No Contact Rule For?
Now we’re back to our initial question of how long to do the no contact rule after a breakup.
As might have become obvious thus far, there is no one answer to this question that would be correct.
The no contact rule is a highly adaptable process that depends on certain factors that we’ve discussed earlier.
A Quick Revision…
Let’s step back a bit and remember some salient points as we move forward. Do you remember the two sides of the no contact rule coin?
- First, you’re trying to break an addictive habit. In this case, it’s your former love relationship and the substance or object of the addiction is your ex. So, you’re essentially getting rid of your ex from your system by detaching from them and healing from the breakup.
- Secondly, you’re working on forming the new habit of focusing on and loving yourself first – the art of self-love. Loving yourself first through self-love is the greatest opportunity you have to develop the true capacity to love another.
From this it follows that my own self must be as much an object of my love as another person. The affirmation of one’s own life, happiness, growth, freedom is rooted in one’s capacity to love, i.e., in care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge. If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can love only others, he cannot love at all.Erich Fromm Author, “The Art of Loving” (New York: Harper and Row, 1956).
The reason for bringing up the discussions about habits – how long it takes to form or break them – is to try to remove some of the ambiguity people have when trying to decide on the length of time to use the no contact rule for.
Established Similarity Between Drug Withdrawal and Going No Contact
We’ve established to some reasonable extent that the process of using the no contact rule is analogous to that of trying to get over any other type of addictive habit such as drug addiction.
One important takeaway from this discussion is the fact that the longer the addiction has been, the longer it would take to break free from.
Thus, it’s easy to conclude that the longer the relationship, the more the amount of time it would take for the no contact rule to be effective.
This is important because the length of time you decide to use for the no contact rule will to a great extent determine its overall effectiveness.
However, apart from the effect of time, you need to take the particular circumstances surrounding your breakup into consideration as discussed earlier.
The 21 Day No Contact Rule
We did highlight the possible origin of this no contact rule time fame during our discussion about Dr. Maltz “21 days to break a habit” myth.
The only study so far that comes close to the 21 days suggestion was the 2009 study discussed above. In the study, “one” participant was able to form a new habit within 18 days.
Without taking anything away from the participant, it’s easy to assume that such a habit is one that’s easy to form.
An addictive habit such as a romantic love that has been put on the same addictive level as drug addiction is definitely not something to get over in just 21 days.
On the whole, most experts agree that the 21 Day No Contact Rule is not a sufficient period to properly heal and to detach one’s self from a failed relationship.
Despite the importance of the number of days you run the no contact rule for, it’s not the only key to your success when using the tool.
What you do during the no contact period is what actually determines the overall effectiveness of the new contact rule. Yet, it’s highly advisable not to go for anything less than 4 weeks.
[adrotate group=”15″]The 30 Day No Contact Rule
Considering the studies we’ve looked at so far, it’s quite easy to see why this is probably the most recommended time frame for using the no contact rule.
Using the no contact rule for a solid month gives you the time and space to heal and develop a perspective about the relationship.
The 30 Days No Contact Rule is simply the go-to time frame for most type of relationship breakups. Simply think of it as the gold standard – a benchmark to start from.
Anything short of the 30 Day No Contact Rule is generally insufficient to see any serious benefit from the tool.
Once again, it’s what you do with the time and space provided by the no contact rule that actually matters.
You need to start engaging in activities that will help you to heal and start feeling better about yourself.
Do things you enjoyed doing before the relationship to use up your free time and prevent yourself from feeling lonely. You can also start spending more time with people who truly love and care about you.
Also, discover and throw yourself into some new hobbies. Start running again, go hiking, or perhaps join a gym for more routine exercises to get healthier.
Exercising yourself will help you feel more energetic and also help to reduce depression. It also stimulates the release of brain chemicals such as endogenous opioids which can create feelings of contentment.
Generally, the idea is to find something, not necessarily new, but something that you’ll enjoy. Let it be something that is fun, exciting, and that brings you joy.
60 Day No Contact Rule
If you haven’t healed properly from the breakup after the initial 30 Days No Contact Rule, then it’s advisable you extend it a further 30 days. This is where the 60 Day No Contact Rule comes into play.
Given the 66 days average time that it takes to form a new habit or kick a bad one, this appears to be very suitable for situations where the relationship had really serious difficulties that led to its breakup.
It’s a very good option for long-term relationships – longer than two years – that finally hit the rock.
Obviously, it provides enough time to make most personal improvements that you’re trying to make stick.
Yet, some critics may say that it’s an awfully long time to go no contact on an ex. But you should always remember that it’s all about you first.
How far you’ve gone on your journey of healing and self-discovery should be of utmost considerations.
90 Day No Contact Rule
This is the third most common suggestion to use when going no contact with your ex.
It might seem like a pretty long time to avoid your ex after a breakup. That may be part of the reasons why its usage is hardly directly suggested.
Its importance becomes apparent if after the 60 days no contact period, things have not significantly changed for you.
Its direct suggestion can be in situations where you had heavily invested yourself into a long-term committed relationship.
In some cases, you might even be surprised that the 90 Day No Contact Rule may not be sufficient for you to completely get over your breakup.
At the same time, there are people who have spent more than a year to actually get over a very short-term relationship in which they seriously invested.
Part of the reason why the 90 Day No Contact Rule is such a popular recommendation may be because of a recent study in neuropsychology. The study investigated how major life traumas affect people.
In the study, the researchers found that if the event happened over three months ago, then it significantly reduced chances of impact on the happiness of the individual.
Of course, unless there’s an interference with the brain’s powerful capacity to heal from the said trauma.
The saying that if you want a wound to heal, you must stop touching it, applies here.
Knowing When to Stop Using the No Contact Rule
This is a serious issue because it’s what determines the overall impact of the no contact rule.
Selecting a time frame to use for the no contact rule does not automatically imply that you must quit the process once the time runs out.
To know whether it’s time to quit the no contact rule, you must carry out a thorough and honest self-appraisal.
It should be a thorough appraisal of what has transpired with you during no contact rule period.
You might want to ask yourself the following questions to help you understand how far you’ve gone with using the no contact rule.
- How much have you healed and how confident are you feeling about yourself at the moment?
- Do you now have the requisite tools and skills to deal with whatever led to the breakup?
- Considering your reflections and new perspective about the relationship, are there chances that you might want to reconcile with your ex?
- If your ex is attempting to contact you, what are the reasons for their action?
- How long have you been on the no contact rule?
You should consider these questions based on their order of importance – with the first being the most important.
Kindly try to ensure that your head and heart are in a healthy state where you can make clear choices. You don’t want to make desperate decisions again about the failed relationship. Your relationships deserve the very best from you.
Also, try to avoid cutting corners on this process and be resolute about what you truly want from your relationships.
Only make the right decision as dictated by the no contact rule you’ve just gone through instead of trying to avoid being alone.
The Important Factor of Getting Over a Breakup
If you’re really striving for a healthy and potentially long-term future relationship with your ex, then it’s only reasonable that you’ll need to give each other enough space and time to heal and recover from the breakup.
Just as you need to heal, get a new perspective, and make significant improvements to the person you were before the breakup, it’s only natural to expect somewhat the same from your ex.
You cannot afford the periods after the breakup to have a one-sided positive effect on just you and nothing positive happening to your ex.
It always takes two to tango in any love relationship condition even in a breakup situation.
Why Getting Over Your Breakup is Vitally Important!
Your ability to get over the failed relationship is a critical factor in determining exactly how long to do the no contact rule. The reason for this should be apparent by now.
You need to get over the breakup and detach yourself from it before you can start thinking rationally about it.
It’s your detachment from it that allows to truly see the relationship from a new perspective. Getting over the breakup helps to remove any rose-colored glasses you might have been wearing all along.
It also helps to remove unnecessary sentiments and possible nostalgia that might have erstwhile clouded your views about the relationship.
Getting over the breakup is when you know you’ve healed. At this point, thinking about the relationship no longer causes you the pain and anger you initial felt about it.
This is when you can clearly think about the relationship and properly appraise it for what it actually was.
It’s when you’ve truly gotten over the breakup that you can really see what the problems in the relationship were.
You’ll also be able to clearly see what your possible roles in the lead up to the breakup were.
Without effectively reaching the point of fully healing and detaching yourself from the failed breakup, the chances of getting back together with your ex and creating a “truly” healthy long-term loving relationship are extremely limited.
It’s also important to reach this point after a breakup even if you finally decide to completely break free from your ex and move on with your life.
You cannot afford to take the pain and hurt of the failed relationship into a new one. It’s vitally important that you leave the baggage of the failed relationship completely behind you before attempting a new one.
Dual Appraisal of a Relationship Breakup
If there’s any chance of you dispassionately reconciling with your ex, it has to be through the no contact rule. It’s what allows both you and your ex sufficient time to heal and recover from the effects of the breakup.
This is irrespective of who did the dumping. Both the dumper and dumpee need to get over the breakup and take a serious appraisal of it.
The appraisal has to be thorough and from both sides as no relationship ends totally because of one person.
Part of the reason why any relationship goes bad has to do with the “dance” between the partners.
It’s the outcome of the accumulated effects of the daily interactive exchanges – both negative and positive – between both partners.
Generally, there’s need to grieve a breakup even if you were the one who ended it. This is because you still have to process the loss of the hopes and dreams the relationship held. And this is irrespective of how long the relationship might have lasted.
If your earnest desire is to have a true long-term loving relationship, then the healing and recovery from the breakup has to holistic from both partners.
How much have you personally developed thus far since you initiated the no contact rule? How is your understanding of yourself and the ways you observe, act, and assess yourself and your ex?
Developing yourself in effectively doing this allows you to bring a new emotionally intelligent version of you into your relationship.
And you should expect and demand same from your ex if there’s ever to be a successful future relationship together.
There’s no need to sugar-coat the true situation of the relationship just because you don’t want to be alone. Who does an “on” and “off” relationship benefit in the long run?
Research and Survey Facts About Getting Over a Breakup
In the sections below are reports from some researches and surveys trying to estimate how long it takes to get over a breakup.
The data provided should give you a fair understanding of how long it might take to get over your breakup.
As you’ll discover, the researches and surveys all amplify the fact that the time to get over a breakup is not something that’s set-in stone. The variability of the results amply attests to this.
Yet, one thing stands out – getting over a breakup is difficult and it takes time.
Understanding these averages will greatly help you in knowing how long to do the no contact rule for taking your particular situation into consideration.
The Half the Duration of the Relationship Principle
A lot of people have attempted to calculate an average of the amount of time it takes to get over a breakup.
The most popularized theory by various media sources is that the average time it takes to recover from a breakup is about half the amount of time the relationship lasted.
For those who have only been dating for a couple of weeks or months, that might sound a bit fair. However, it’s an awful piece of news for those who have been together for years.
This principle is more of a way of making people feel like their pain has a solid end point. The idea is such that they have at least a end point they can look forward to.
But as have been repeatedly highlighted above, it’s quite complicated trying to set a specific time frame of when one can successfully get over a breakup.
Some relationships can last for just a few months but take some individuals a long time to get over.
Conversely, some might have lasted for several months or years but getting over them can take just a few months to achieve.
The possible reasons for these different scenarios may be as a result of how much an individual has invested in the relationship as well as the causes of the breakup – such as infidelity. These and several other issues can make any breakup recovery process more difficult.
Poll on Breakup Recovery
Scientists have carried out several surveys in an attempt to nail down the actual time it takes for one to get over a breakup.
One of the most common online polls about the time frame for recovering from a breakup is the one commissioned by Yelp Eat24.[6] The January, 2017 survey involved some 2,000 US adults.
Results from the survey suggests that the process of healing can last for over six months for a serious relationship.
The survey also made the following interesting assertions:
While the majority – 65 percent – claim they never contact former exes or flames after a big break-up, one in four admit that they get in touch with at least two previous loves following a split.
Scientific Study About Breakup Recovery
Researchers in a 2007 study surveyed 155 undergraduates who had gone through a relationship breakup in the past six months. On average, the students had experienced the breakup within the past 11 weeks.
The average length of the participant’s relationship prior to the breakup was 77 weeks. While some were as short as 4 weeks, others were as long as 236 weeks.
85.2% of the students in the study were in exclusive relationships while 27.9 were involved in new relationships.
Of the student participants, 45.2% had initiated the breakup themselves. While 25.8% of the breakups were initiated by their partner, 29% were by both partners.
According to the researchers, majority of the students – 71% – reported increased positive emotions and growth following the breakup.
The positive emotions included self-expansion and rediscovery of self, as well as general coping strategies.
Since the students experienced the breakup an average of 11 weeks before the study period, the findings suggest that people generally recover from a breakup after about 11 weeks.
Another Poll Result
A survey of 4,000 divorces found that the average divorcee takes almost 18 months to get over the split.
The research carried out by www.fifties.com claims that it takes about 17 months and 26 days to get over a divorce once it’s finalized.
However, it’s important to note that most people are often already separated for a while before the finalization of their divorce. Thus, the period for the divorcee to get over the split could actually take years.
The above findings clearly show that there’s not much consistency in the overall results.
Yet, to a large degree, we can suppose that the average period to get over a normal breakup is around the 10.5 weeks period.
This 10.5-week average is probably why the 30 and 60 Day No Contact Rule time frames have such high recommendations for their usage for the no contact rule.
In a nutshell, all of these show that the time it takes to heal and recover from a breakup is a significant determinant of when you can safely stop using the no contact rule.
Thus, how long to do the no contact rule is largely a function of how long it will take you to get over your breakup.
Further Considerations About How Long to Do the No contact Rule
All things being equal, the more distance and less communication between you and your ex, the easier it will be to implement this rule.
Thus, you’ll make better progress when you don’t see your ex at all for quite some time. This makes the process faster than when you unfortunately have to see them every other day and out of politeness have to exchange greetings.
There are times your ex may want to test if you’re serious about your decision of not communicating with them. As a result, they may attempt resuming normal communication with you.
They may even open new communication channels in cases where you’ve blocked or closed the ones they had before.
When this happens too early into the no contact rule implementation, it’s best for you to stand your ground. Kindly reaffirm your decision and reinforce healthy boundaries between both of you going forward.
Using the no contact rule takes time to properly implement. In fact, there’s no need attempting to rush through it if you’ve truly understood all that we’ve discussed so far.
Conclusion
There are times when you’ll experience serious contemplation about your reasons for maintaining the no contact rule.
Yet, there are situations where you strongly believe your relationship still stands a good chance of becoming a healthy one.
In such a case, you may start feeling that not responding to your ex’s attempts at contacting you after the breakup may harm your chances of getting back together with them.
However, the reverse might actually be the case “IF” they’re actually still interested in getting back together with you.
In most cases, the fear of losing you might make them to start checking up on you despite your stance. This is often because to some extent the no contact rule has started to affect them in a positive way.
If the attempts are made towards the end of the no contact rule, and you feel that you’re emotionally strong enough to embark on reconnecting with your ex, then you can break the no contact rule and proceed to reconnect.
You’ll know you’re ready to discontinue the no contact rule when you get to a certain point in the process.
This is when not talking to your ex no longer hurts you during the course of your normal day. However, it would be much better if you can get to the point where you can go for days without having to think about your ex at all.
Getting to this point allows you to be in a very good frame of mind. By then, you’ll have renewed energy and the self-confidence to either move on with your life or get back together with your ex.
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