Most women get frustrated when trying to understand how to communicate with men in their lives. However, most women need to improve their skills when it comes to understanding and communicating better with men.
Women generally talk to men in languages they believe their men should be able to understand. Unfortunately, to a lot of men, their women often appear to be speaking in foreign languages they hardly understand.
Women understand themselves so much and very easily land on the same page when discussing a lot of issues. Unfortunately, women expect the same degree of understanding from their men.
The problem is that most women fail to understand the differences between how men and women communicate their feelings.
I have come to the conclusion that at the core of conflict there is a breakdown in communication and the parties’ inability to understand each other. A conflict is often a dialogue of the deaf.
It is therefore imperative that women have a clear picture of how men think, listen, and express their feelings. This will greatly help any woman when it comes to learning how to communicate in a relationship with a man.
Why Men and Women Communicate Differently
An undeniable fact is that there are significant and consistent differences in communication styles between men and women. Knowing and coming to terms with these differences is the first step towards smoothing out communication in your relationship.
In this respect, there are both biological and psychological aspects to why men and women communicate in different ways. Understanding these underlying elements of why men and women communicate differently is paramount in truly understanding how to communicate with men.
But at the end of the day, human are dynamics and their relationships are not sustained purely by these explanations.
The onus is on the individuals involved in the relationship to devise their ways to work out how best to communicate with each other.
Biological Effects on Gender Communication Differences
It’s an established fact that the male and female brains are wired differently. This is perhaps the primary reason why the genders communicate differently.
Biologically, men and women process information differently. For instance, during a mental task, the parts of the brain that are involved in solving the task are concentrated in a few centers of a man’s brain.
However, for a woman involved in a similar task, there are multiple sites throughout the left and right hemispheres that are involved in trying to solve the problem.
Also, women tend to have higher concentrations of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the part of the brain responsible for “language and memory.”[1]
Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.
Ever wondered why men have a notorious reputation for forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, and other important dates? The dopamine effect makes women better at recalling memories faster, more accurately, and in specific detail.
Also, research indicates that when women commit a situation to memory, there’s normally an extra amount of blood flow to the part of their brains that stores and retrieves those situations.
These increased abilities of a woman’s brain function make it easier for her to bring up incidents from the past. As a result, a lot of men simply don’t “get it” as quickly as most women do when it comes to communication.
The Thinking and Feeling Switch
Apart from the fact that culture requires a man to be composed and strong, there’s another “neurological obstacle” to his conversation ability.
This is the fact that while women can think and feel at the same time, men can only “think or feel”. Thus, while women can successfully do both simultaneously, men have to switch from speech to emotions and back.
Obviously, this process requires a lot of energy and focus from him.
Thus, a woman’s suggestion to want to have a discussion might become a challenge for a man. This is obviously the case when he considers the need for him to switch gears between thinking and feeling.
The process of switching from their heads to their hearts during an emotional conversation generally deters a lot of men from talking about their feelings.
Also, it’s naturally very difficult for men to attach words to the emotions they feel and to then get back on track during an emotional conversation. When they’re able to do this very quickly, they often feel like the world is being sucked out of them.
Psychological Effects on Gender Communication Styles
There are also psychological and social factors at play with respect to why men and women communicate differently.
Various psychological studies have confirmed that women in relationships talk simply to bond. Oftentimes, they want to have a conversation without having a real intention to communicate any sort of relevant information.
While this might not be a bad thing for women, many men find it difficult understanding such an interaction. Such a mode of communication simply leaves him confused and frustrated.
When talking about a problem, women want empathy and understanding but men offer solutions.
However, it’s important to realize that despite these generalizations of the possible reasons why men and women communicate differently, they don’t necessarily apply to all men and all women.
It is necessary to realize that different people may have different styles of communicating. This is more practical than to assume that all men communicate one way and all women communicate another way.
Understanding the Basics of How Men Communicate
1. Men Need a Focal Point During Conversation
Men are generally goal-oriented. They are predisposed to feeling more relaxed operating within boundaries they are comfortable with.
This way, they are able to retain a feeling of being in charge over whatsoever circumstances they may be in. Thus, most men prefer to have a focus in mind when they are having a conversation with a woman.
They generally like knowing what the purpose of the discussion is all about and what is expected from them. Under these conditions, most men have a better sense of what they are doing when talking with a woman.
How Women Communicate
Women on the other hand are generally somewhat unclear, imprecise, and open-minded. This style of communication doesn’t give the man any direction to follow.
There are often no clear boundaries within which the conversation can meaningfully build up for him. This might make him to become somehow uncomfortable. As a result, he’s more likely to become reluctant in contributing constructively to the discussion at hand.
At the same time, while women are more process-oriented, men are rather goal-oriented. This ability allows women to be able to chat without having any concrete idea about where the conversation is heading. In fact, there are often no exact points to what their conversation is all about.
However, this type of conversation while enjoyable by women, make most men uninterested in pursuing it. They are more likely to appear resistant, become argumentative, or might even attempt putting off having such future discussions.
The reality is that it is intrinsic in women to enjoy the process of being able to express themselves verbally.
This partly explains why women are generally more relationship oriented while men are goal oriented. Yet, the lack of understanding of these differences can have massive impact on the way both genders communicate.
Bridging the Divide
Thus, when a woman wants to talk to a man, it is better to give him an outline about what the discussion is centered on. It might also help stating what she’s hoping to achieve and what exactly is being expected from him.
This helps him mentally map out what the objective of the discussion is all about. It helps him to feel more at home in getting drawn into the conversation.
Also, it helps a lot to ask him detailed questions that may help in structuring the conversation for him.
Communication Issues to Avoid
There are certain strategies you might want to avoid if you truly want to understand how to communicate in a relationship with a man. Topping this list is being vague about what’s actually troubling you.
You might also want to avoid giving him tip-offs about something you want. There’s also the need to avoid testing your man. Ask him directly what his views are about a subject rather than casually asking about what he thinks.
Most of these strategies might make him feel manipulated and become annoyed.
2. Men Only Communicate the End Result of their Internalized Thinking Process
Men are generally afraid of showing their fears or uncertainties. Thus, most men will only answer when they are sure about the answer or solution to any given situation.
The fear of being wrong often makes most men not to give a quick answer. Thus, they’ll prefer “to think about it” than answering immediately. This gives them ample time to think over and refine their answers.
While men internalize their thinking process, women on the other hand express their thinking process out loud. In general, women “think out loud.”
Men confront problems in a linear, pragmatic fashion, step-by-step. And if it’s a superemotional issue, they require time and space to process what to do.
This gives most men the impression that women “talk too much.” But the actual fact is that she’s simply trying to express herself in her most natural way.
This way of talking about problems is what helps most women make up their minds about their feelings. It is what gives them more insight into the problem they might be trying to solve.
Unfortunately, what men want is a straightforward statement of what the problem at hand is. No fluffs, just what the problem is.
3. Men Find it Difficult Getting in Touch With their Emotions
Men do not have a lot of emotions but are definitely not emotionless. To most men, the inner world of emotions is an unfamiliar and dreadful terrain to venture into.
On a general note, men find it much easier staying in their heads. Contrariwise, women are far more familiar with their emotions and articulating their feelings.
The lack of self-assurance about their emotional feelings make men apprehensive when trying to explore or express their feelings.
Humans generally feel comfortable with what they are familiar with. Thus, men feel controlled by anything they are not good at since they don’t have power or control over it.
This is why men try as much as possible to avoid their emotional worlds. They dread not having the emotional power to control their feelings.
Unfortunately, a lot of women often misinterpret this weakness in men. Because of this, some women feel that the men in their lives are not sensitive but rather dispassionate and uncaring.
Thus, while it might look like most men do not feel anything, the reverse is often the case. The problem is that they actually find it difficult to “get in touch” with and articulate what they are feeling.
When most men are pressed to talk and are uncertain of what to say to their partners, they might want to change the subject.
There are even the unfortunate instances when a man might verbally attack his woman in a bid to buy time. The idea is often to use the time to figure out what precisely is happening within him.
But this should be a situation that should never be entertained in any healthy love relationship. Empathy should always rule during conversations with your partner.
5 Quick Tips on How to Communicate With Men
A. Stay Focused
Since men need a focal point during conversation, it’s therefore necessary for women to stick to the subject at hand. This is one of the most important rules in learning how to communicate in a relationship with a man.
Bringing up too many situations into a single discussion essentially reduces the chances of having a meaningful discussion with your man.
So, you might want to ensure that you have the topic of conversation beforehand and stick to it if you really want to get your man’s attention.
B. Avoid Making Assumptions
Always remember that your man cannot read your mind. So, when you want to ask him for anything, it is highly advisable not to give him hints. Instead, tell him specifically what it is that you want from him.
It is tempting to make conclusions on your own and also to create different scenarios in your head about your man’s statements during a discussion.
However, you need to get rid of all possible assumptions you might have if you really want to effectively communicate in a relationship with a man.
Such assumptive conclusions may have nothing to do with reality but simply based on fragments of truth. This is one thing you must avoid at all cost.
Instead, you should discuss the issue directly with your man and hear what exactly he has to say about it.
If you’re assuming there might be a deeper interpretation that was meant, directly ask him if there was. Always make your verifications directly rather than harshly jumping the gun and assuming things.
C. Get His Attention
One of the root causes of the problems in male-female communication is perhaps the fact that women are born multitaskers. A woman’s ability to talk with good concentration while doing other things is a quality most men do not possess.
As a result, you shouldn’t expect to have a meaningful conversation if he’s reading a newspaper or watching TV. Also, don’t start important conversations when he’s busy, answering phone calls, or fidgeting with something else.
To keep his attention during a conversation, you need to select a time when he won’t be distracted at all. You need to ensure that he can focus entirely on what you want to say if you want him to actively listen to you.
Communication is a bridge, and you can never progress in a relationship without this bridge!
Thus, it’s good to select a good time and conducive place where you can both have an uninterrupted conversation. Pick a place where both of you feel safe and comfortable or simply in your home if you live together.
If you aren’t living together yet, it’s best to pick a neutral place. This should be a place where neither of you will have any sort of advantage over the other.
Thus, if you want your man to take you seriously, you need to get his full attention and ensure that he’s concentrating on your conversation.
D. No Blame Games
In learning how to communicate with men, one important thing is not to be negative when trying to make a point.
For instance, while it might feel very tempting to play the blame game, it is something that you should avoid at all cost.
It is simply unproductive and you’ll get nowhere by continuing to accuse each other and trying to put the blame on one person only. However, you need to learn how to take your share of the responsibility.
On the contrary, you’ll achieve better success in communicating with your man if you speak positively with him. A positive approach will help to lower his guard, warm him up, and allow for an open and smooth communication.
For instance, you might want to bring his attention to the reduced amount of time both of you spend together.
Instead of blaming him outrightly, it’s better to calmly tell him how much you miss his presence. You can then sincerely chip in how much you would like to spend more time with him.
To maintain a truly healthy long-term relationship, both of you need to start developing a culture of working together towards solving problems in the relationship.
In fact, there’s the need for both of you to imbibe the philosophy that you’re not fighting with each. You should rather have it behind your mind that both of you are fighting against the problem you’re dealing with in your relationship.
However, when a man feels judged and misunderstood, it often makes him become irritated, more defiant, and stubborn. He’s also likely to become unwilling in showing the kind of emotional reaction his woman may be asking of him.
E. Be Direct with Him
The truth is that it has been scientifically proven that men have a shorter attention span that women. This can have a significant effect on the success of your conversation with your man.
After conversing for a while, he’s very likely to lose focus though still there with you in person.
Thus, it’s important to make your discussions as brief and as detailed as possible. The best way to achieve this is by being as direct as possible when discussing with your man.
With all empathy, try to make your point known without using too many winding words. Speak out directly and avoid making long introductions and conclusions.
Learn to cut the chase and directly tell him what it is you want from him with utmost clarity.
If there are a lot of issues you want to discuss with him, then you might want to save some of them for later.
So, if while discussing you notice that your man has stopped listening before you finished making your points, it’s best to end the discussion at that point.
Essentially, you need to quickly verbalize your emotions and thoughts in detail. This has to be done in as little time as possible and in as few words as you can muster.
Simply put, when it comes to how to communicate with men, there is no beating around the bush or sending of mixed signals.
Your man has little or no capacity for reading between the lines and most importantly, he isn’t a mind reader.
Understanding that your man loses interest quickly when dealing with peripheral issues and learning to be direct with him during your conversations will greatly improve your communication with him.
In Conclusion…
In learning how to communicate in a relationship with a man, you must try to avoid overwhelming him with your emotions and outburst when discussing.
So, avoid pouring all your emotions on him at the same time while expecting him to respond positively.
One fast tip on how to communicate with men is to find ways to quickly get him out of his head and into his heart. Your best bet would perhaps be to trying to physically touch him. Try to hold his hands, rest your hand on his arm, or simply hug him.
Men are intimately attached to their bodies. Thus, your physical touch can help bring him into a more sensitive and amenable state of mind.
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