Every breakup comes with its own unique set of emotional traumas just as each relationship is unique and different. After a breakup, people often start questioning themselves whether or not it was the right decision. As such, there are certain questions to ask yourself before getting back with your ex.
The truth is that you need to be cautious and have a long moment of thought to think about this contemplation. This is because it’s easy to want to go back to what feels familiar especially after an emotional breakup.
We often tend to regret ending certain relationships while entertaining the thought that we could have made it work if we had tried just a little harder. And the fact is that there are many reasons as to why things may not have worked. Still, it can be hard to know if you should try again.
Also, each breakup has its unique circumstances that need to be taken into consideration when attempting to get back together.
However, there are certain questions that one has to ask his or herself first and foremost before making any move. Honestly and correctly answering these questions is very important before coming to a conclusion of whether making up or not.
In the light of the above, below are some important questions to ask yourself before getting your ex back and hope they’ll help you make the right decision.
1. Why did you break up?
To have a better future in your relationship, it’s vitally important that you take time to reflect on the chain of events to that led to the breakup. Without properly resolving these issues before attempting to get back together with your ex, you’re most likely heading for the rocks again.
It’s also a given that nostalgia will most likely make you to remember the good times over the bad ones. So, instead of remembering the pain the relationship caused, you might find yourself romanticizing it instead.
But you really need to reflect on the negatives of the relationship. Though it might be a painful process, it’s one that you cannot skip.
This is important because there are no “tricks” or “shortcuts” to true reconciliation. You need to look at what went wrong in the failed relationship with all honesty.
Be very open-minded and honest as you ponder the reasons you might have acknowledged. However, try to ensure that you don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself to come to an immediate decision.
What are these issues? Are they stuffs that you can try and work on again? Can you and your ex rationally discuss and resolve the issues this time around?
Are they serious issues like infidelity, abuse, toxic behaviors, or incompatibility? Or were they differences in your personalities, values, and beliefs? While the latter might be open to your willingness to compromise, the former calls for serious reconsiderations but mostly a complete breakup off.
If you’re in any way unsure whether the problems can be effectively solved, then you might really want to reconsider the idea of getting your ex back.
Would the possible resurfacing of these problems be really worth going out of your way to get your ex back?
2. Have you made any practical changes?
Relationships have a strange way of bringing out the best and worst in people. No matter what you think might be the reasons behind the breakup, always remember that it takes two to tango.
There’s no way you can totally absolve yourself of some sort of complacency in the build-up to the breakup. That’s because there are a number of things you could have taken the time to do differently or even better.
So, irrespective of whether you think the breakup was your fault, that of your ex, or a mutual decision, how has it robbed off on you? What have you learnt from the breakup and how has it improved you as a person going forward?
If you’ve not made any significant changes to yourself after the breakup, it basically implies one thing. And that’s the fact that you’ve not taken a retrospective look on the possible reasons why the relationship failed.
If there’s any plausible reason for getting back together with your ex that should be because you’ve changed. It should be because you’ve made improvement to what you bring to the relationship.
So, getting your ex back when you’ve not evolved from the ashes of the breakup will only cause the same problems to resurface again.
Thus, after a breakup, you need to give yourself time to engage in some self-improvement activities. These activities will help you reflect on yourself and grow as a person. In effect, this will improve what you bring to any relationship.
These changes have to be genuine. Avoid making any kind of superficial cover ups to fool your ex into getting back together with you. Time always reveals the truth, so let these changes be real.
3. Have they made any changes themselves?
It’s a fact that you cannot change anybody except yourself. Yet, this is one of the important questions to ask yourself before getting your ex back.
The fact is that you and your ex broke up for certain reasons. Given this consideration, it’s apparent the relationship cannot continue as usual if you’re going to give it another shot.
So, has your ex really made any significant changes. If yes, what types of changes are they? How do these changes affect the growth of your relationship if you do get back together with your ex?
The truth is that your judgment will tend to be a bit cloudy at the moment due to the effect of the breakup. However, you need to be as sincere as possible with your judgments.
Sincerely addressing this question will save you a lot of unnecessary heartaches down the road.
Let’s say they’ve not made any significant changes to their life; in that case what kind of new relationship do you expect to have with them?
Would there be any significant difference between the old and new relationship? Will the previous problems be done away with or better handled? Are you really sure or just hoping?
Without your ex making visible and concrete changes to the person they were before the breakup, there’s practically no chance for the reunion to succeed.
The growth and development of a relationship is a direct function of the individual self-improvements of each partner. So, if you’ve sincerely improved yourself during this breakup period, it’s also expedient that your ex does the same.
Attempting to get back together with your ex should never be because you’re hoping you will or that they will change. You must be sure that both of you have made significant self-improvements.
4. How Much Time Have You Spent Apart Since the Breakup?
Your natural instincts after a breakup is to move closer to your ex so as to win them back. However, one of the best things to do after a breakup is to give yourselves some time and space apart.
Part of the reason for this is because people don’t change overnight. A true change of habit or character can take months to positively come into effect. This is among the most critical questions to ask yourself before getting your ex back as it holds the key to your recovery after a breakup.
Thus, it’s necessary to move slowly so you can better assess your ex and the situations surrounding your relationship. This is why there’s such a high recommendation to use the no contact rule after a breakup.
If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.
The purpose of the no contact rule is partly to help you create the space and time you need to reflect on your relationship. Properly following it also helps you to make serious self-improvements to your life after a breakup.
During this time, you also need to setup some healthy boundaries between you and your ex. Spending a good amount of time apart from your ex is the best way to clear your mind. This way, you’ll be in a better position to make more rational decisions.
The Withdrawal Effect of a Breakup
Neurologist and anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher of the Kinsey Institute says a relationship breakup has neuropsychological effects similar to drug addiction.[1]
She and her colleagues looked at the brain scans of men and women who had recently been rejected by their partners but who reported they were still intensely “in love.” The research team found that the same brain regions that are linked with both cigarette and cocaine craving were activated in the rejected partners.
Their findings suggest that the experience of romantic rejection has the same neural systems which underlie various other addictions. The study concluded that romantic rejection is a specific form of addiction.
Thus, the implication of the study is that we’re basically addicted to our love partners. This is what causes a rejected partner to obsessively think about and crave emotional union with their rejecting partner.
Thus, when you breakup with someone, you’re essentially withdrawing from them. As a result, you’re bound to experience several symptoms that are similar to drug withdrawal.
Such symptoms might include changes in appetite, obsession, mood swings, distortion of reality, emotional dependence, and loss of self-control. However, it’s highly imperative that you go through this withdrawal phase.
If analogically your ex is a drug you’re addicted to, then you need to break any connection you have with them in order to be clean and free. Processing and getting through this withdrawal phase can be successfully done by using the no contact rule.
This period allows your emotions and brain chemicals to return to their baseline. It’s at this point that you can start thinking realistically and making sensible decisions about the relationship.
5. Can You Truly Forgive and Forget?
This is perhaps one of the biggest questions to ask yourself before getting your ex back. After a breakup, both you and your ex are often hurt to varying degrees irrespective of who initiated the breakup.
Like other personal growth processes, true forgiveness and the ability to forget the wrong done is a process that takes time.
Can you truly let go of the trust issues, insecurities, and built-up resentments that permeated the relationship?
This is because true forgiveness implies being able to see your getting back together as an entirely new relationship. You’re not allowed to bring any baggage from the past into it.
It means you’re not to bring up any of the past issues that ended the old relationship whenever there’s an argument in the future.
This is important because according to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, the absence of forgiveness in a relationship that has experienced a conflict may cause that conflict to never be resolved.[2]
So, take time to reflect on your relationship. Do you really believe you can forgive, forget and move on with your ex in a new relationship? Are you truly ready to let go of all that has happened before?
If your gut feeling is indicating an inability to forgive and forget the hurt the breakup might have caused, then it’s necessary to hold off until you’re ready to truly forgive them.
In fact, if you’re entertaining even the slightest of doubts about your answers to this question, it may not be wise getting back together with your ex.
6. What Would Your Friends and Family Say?
It’s your relationship and your ultimate happiness should be priority of course. But it might be helpful to remember that your support system goes through the ups and downs of your life with you.
Your friends and family might be protective of you. And as a result, they may want to prevent you from going through another breakup experience.
So, have you seriously thought about how your relationship with your loved ones would be impacted should you backpedal on the breakup?
What would their reaction be like? Would they be happy for you or would they caution you and even want you to reconsider your decision?
Are you willing to risk the loss of your relationship with your loved ones just to get your ex back? Have you thought about life without your parents, siblings, or best friends?
Try and remember that while you might have gotten over the effect of the breakup, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve done the same.
You need to try and understand where they’re coming from and listen to their advice. While you don’t have to do what they say, you can gain a lot by paying attention to the people you trust.
Your friends and family members can be great barometers of whether your decision is a good idea or not. Regard them as informed outsiders who are more dispassionate and objective about what you’re going through.
Their sage advice may just give you the clarity of mind that your confused and anxious heart and head needs.
But if you do decide to get your ex back, it’s important to explain the reasons for your decision to your loved ones. However, don’t expect them to totally see your point of view or agree with your decision.
7. Is it worth all the trouble?
The fact remains that getting your ex back will take some amount of work and personal sacrifice to accomplish. You really need to sit down and sincerely ask yourself this question.
Weigh the true benefits of the relationship against the time and effort you’re putting into reviving it. What do you actually stand to benefit in the end after all is said and done?
To effectively answer this question – and in fact all the questions to ask yourself before getting your ex back – it’s best you implement the no contact rule. Observing the no contact rule after a breakup is one of the best ways to effectively handle a breakup and to chart a course for your relationship therefrom.
Life is too short to make the same mistake with the same person more than once.
Take at least 30 days to observe the rule. Properly implementing it will surely put you in a better frame of mind to think more objectively about your relationship.
It’s very important to be honest when answering this particular question. How much commitment do you still feel towards the relationship? Is this comparable to the satisfaction and fulfillment you dream of getting from it when together with your ex again?
Coming to terms with the reality of this answer can save you needless troubles you might otherwise subject yourself to. Alternatively, it can provide the morale booster you need to forge ahead in your quest of getting your ex back.
8. Who was the boss in the relationship?
You might be of the opinion that this does not matter in today’s society of sexual equality. However, the reality is that this is very important in the way relationships work.
Nature has its rule and irrespective of how fast society might have changed today, some basic life principles will still remain unchanged at their core.
A successful and enduring loving relationship takes two loving, caring and understanding people to grow to full maturity. Everyone likes to be treated with some sense of respect and decency. Who likes being treated any now?
Were you the one who always wanted to lead in the relationship without considering the feelings and opinions of your ex? How much of their views did you take into consideration when making decisions that affected the relationship?
Courtesy they say deserves respect – the truer this is in a love relationship. Therefore, you need to realize that it’s important to give respect and honor to your partner when necessary for the mutual benefit of the relationship.
In Conclusion…
It might be very tempting wanting to reconnect with an old love since there’s comfort in the familiar. However, there’s need to be brutally honest with yourself about these questions to ask yourself before getting your ex back.
While it may not be easy answering these questions completely and honestly, it’s advisable to try and do so. The aim is to help you better understand the breakup and what might have led to it and not just about what it could have been in the future.
Once you’ve honestly answered these questions and reflected on how you feel, it should be easier making a decision. You’ll be better able to determine how best to handle the situation.
The effect of truly reflecting on these questions to ask yourself before getting your ex back are invaluable. Doing this will go a long way to prevent you from making another mistake as well as hurting and wasting each other’s time.
Thus, you owe it to both of you to truly reflect on these questions before you try to get your ex back. Life is too short to make the same mistakes with the same person twice.
In most cases, the desire to get your ex back will naturally fade away over time. Time, they say, heals all wounds!
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