There are many reasons one can posit for why spouses cheat on themselves in their relationships. Categorically speaking, an affair is mostly just an external sign or symptom of an internal desire for change.
Something in the person’s life or the relationship is causing some form of dissatisfaction. Thus, the affairs engaged in are just triggers for the change they anticipate.
In other words, an affair is simply an unconscious or intentional way of communicating the unhappy or dissatisfactory state in which a relationship has sunk into.
However, relationship experts are today of the opinion that affairs are not only just about sex. The consensus is that any intimate activity between two people that breaches the trust of a partner constitutes an affair.
It is based on this premise that M. Gary Neuman, a Miami Beach psychologist, insists that:
We can’t fool ourselves into believing that we can have intimate relationships at work and still have a great relationship at home.
Most of the reasons already adduced in our previous articles for why men and women cheat still hold true. However, both cheat for some reasons which cuts across the gender divide.
The following are some of the main reasons why spouses cheat in relationships.
1. Lack of Communication
There can be no meaningful relationship without effective communication between the parties involved.
Relationships are strongest when the partners are open about the good and bad things in the relationships. This creates an atmosphere where both partners feel safe expressing their emotions as well as sexual desires.
However, sometimes couples lack the communication skills necessary to voice how they feel about certain issues in their relationship.
These needs may even be fundamental issue relating to sex, finance, and amount of time spent at home, down to issues that might be considered trivial.
A lot of partners feel that something is missing in the relationship but are unable to communicate such to their significant other. The reality is that such conditions have a high tendency of degenerating to dishonesty and cheating.
2. Lack of Sexual Intimacy
Sex is an integral part of any marriage or mutually exclusive relationship. The connection created between couples during sex often creates a deeper connection between them that extends to all areas of their lives.
If the intimacy between the couples has been decreased owing to difficulties of maintaining their busy schedules, managing work and family, and the routine of household chores, then the relationship is bound to suffer.
It is important to make intimacy a top priority in your relationship. This is despite how tight your schedule might be and how much little time you have left at your disposal. This should be the case even if it requires you scheduling time for it.
Still on the lack of sexual intimacy is the issue of sexual variety. It’s normal to find other people attractive and even have sexual fantasies. However, acting on such desires and thus fulfilling your self-gratification means you also have to sacrifice some true love and intimacy.
3. Lack of Appreciation and Affirmation
At times, one partner might feel like their efforts are not being appreciated, or they are not wanted or valued by their partner.
In such situation, resentment may start settling into the relationship and could lead to bigger problems like cheating. In fact, feeling undervalued or neglected can easily lead to infidelity.
However, there are times when a partner hasn’t really neglected the other. Yet, the other person might still feel neglected but most of it is usually related to unrealistic expectations of a partner rather than true neglect.
4. Unrealistic Ideas and Expectations
Most couples get into relationships with high expectations of each other. Ironically, most partners cannot fully define what these expectations are, let alone express these to their partners.
The odds of there being an affair in a relationship are drastically increased when one partner have irrational ideas of what love is.
For the most part, women often have these idealistic expectations of their man being “a Knight in Shining Armor.” Thus, they often spend a lot of time looking that “ideal” lover but never finding it in their partner.
Everything mostly appears okay at the beginning of such relationships. However, the irrational partner soon becomes disillusioned. They still hope to find their ideal lover and thus more likely to easily cheat.
No matter how strong the vibe a relationship started on, it needs proper care and attention for it to be able to weather the storms that lie ahead of it.
Relationships generally take a lot of concerted effort on the part of both partners for them to work. However, it doesn’t have to be that difficult or appear impossible to achieve.
All that is required is a conscious effort and readiness from both parties to put in their best to see to its success.
5. Difficult Lifestyle Changes
Major changes in the lifestyle of a couple could have an adverse effect on their relationship if not handled properly.
These changes may include a new job with long hours and new stressful responsibilities or even the relocation to a new city. It might also be the birth of a new child, death of a friend/family member, or an unforeseen financial problem.
Under such circumstances, a lot adjustment has to be made in the marriage to accommodate these changes. If the lines of communication are broken during such times, there is the likelihood of one or both partners engaging in an affair.
6. Lack of Happiness
The truth is that there is nothing like perfectly happy couple. Once one has found someone they trust and are happy with, cheating will naturally not cross their mind. This is mostly because they can’t easily find themselves hurting their partner.
7. Low Self-Esteem
Apart from cheating being triggered by external factors such as being undervalued by one’s partner, there can also be unconscious reasons. This often involves dealing with difficult emotions or trauma – mostly arising from personal insecurities.
According to several therapists, over half of people who cheat say that self-esteem has something to do with it.
As a condition, low self-esteem can cause people who suffer from it to be very dependent on the attention of others. In fact, for some, the attention of just one person isn’t enough.
When a partner doesn’t feel good about themself and fail to address it in a productive and healthy manner, it could negatively impact the relationship.
Unfortunately, a good number of partners with low self-esteem often seek out someone else to help boost their shaky ego. The receival of admiration and approval from someone new often feels different and exciting for them.
Such positive feelings make an individual with low self-esteem feel empowered, confident, attractive, and successful. And for some, it might even be a way of rejecting rather than feeling rejected.
8. Boredom
The desire of re-experiencing the thrill of the chase and the dopamine-induced excitement of newfound love can easily digress into cheating. Yet, cheating out of boredom is a sad reality for many relationships today.
Also, since most relationships go through periods of boredom, it’s natural for one partner to sometimes feel undervalued or unappreciated.
If the communication between both partners is weak, this can easily spell trouble. This is because there could be an increased tendency of cheating for one of the partners.
9.The Fear of Commitment
Periods such as after getting engaged or when a partner becomes pregnant are surprisingly when affairs tend to occur. The reality is that the fear of commitment can be very destabilizing especially at such periods in a relationship.
There are times a partner might sabotage a relationship, either consciously or unconsciously, simply as a way of rejecting the feelings of responsibility being thrust upon them.
Partners with commitment issues often lack interest in committing to long-term relationships and simply want casual ones. For others, a lack of commitment is just a way of saying they want a way out of a relationship.
Thus, people who have had a difficult time with commitment are more likely to cheat in certain cases.
10. Out of Anger or Revenge
Anger is one other common reason people give for being disloyal to their partners. In fact, in one study[1], half of the participants said anger factored into their cheating.
People often become vulnerable to acting out with others when they are disrespected, hurt, or verbally abused. Sadly, such vulnerability can also become a powerful motivator to become intimate with someone else.
In a romantic relationship, a partner may suppress his or her anger and then vengefully release it in an act of cheating. Thus, the desire for revenge can be a very strong reason for why couples cheat.
More often than not, such cheating can be used as a form of payback after being cheated upon by a partner. The retaliatory infidelity is simply intended to make the other partner understand how hurtful their earlier behavior was.
Yet, there are times when the cheating is just a punishment even when their partner has not cheated on them. It can even be a punishment for being treated badly or for the anger or frustration felt after an argument.
11. Falling Out of Love
The last and perhaps the most painful reason why couples cheat is because they are falling out of love with their partner. FACT – the dopamine rush of falling in love do not last forever.
Thus, the excitement, passion, and exhilaration experienced during the initial phase of a new relationship generally fades over time.
When those butterflies finally fly away, most people often come to the realization that there was actually not much love there.
But we are very much “passion-bound creatures” and fidelity isn’t always that easy when the initial fireworks become all but flickering embers.
For many who find themselves in such situations, cheating simply becomes a stepping stone out of their now moribund relationship. Cheating on their partner simply becomes a way of sabotaging their relationship.
In conclusion…
Retrospectively, most online infidelity experts are more concerned about how to catch a cheating partner in the act. It would however be better investing such time and energy in trying to find out the details of what went wrong in the relationship and how best to go about fixing them.
According to the Institute for American Values, “almost 8 out of 10 couples who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.”
Therefore, we can happily conclude that if couples can take the extra pain and get over the affairs that have put their relationships in dire straits, that their relationships have a very strong chance of being more fulfilling than it was even before the affairs.
If you found this article helpful, you might want to save it to any of your Pinterest’s Relationship Tips board for later. You can also share it on your preferred platform via the social media buttons below.
